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With the stars...

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and...

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Captioning sponsored by
PARAMOUNT PICTURES

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Hey, Ralph.

5
00:00:47,730 --> 00:00:49,930
Oh, Ralph, there. Ralphie Boy!

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Hi, Ed.

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Oh. Oh, hi, Alice.

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Ralph isn't home yet.

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Oh, he's not home yet?

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Well, I tell you what
I came by to see him about.

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You remember
that last year

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00:01:04,310 --> 00:01:05,940
when Ralph had those
three tickets--

13
00:01:05,980 --> 00:01:07,740
the four tickets
to the World Series?
Yeah.

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You know, you and him took
Trixie and me to the game.

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We had a good time
and everything.

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Well, I felt that it was just
about my time to reciprocate,

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and, uh, and, uh,
well, do you a good deed.

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I, uh, was just wondering if
you'd like to join us Sunday.

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We're going to Madison
Square Garden.

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Oh, Madison
Square Garden.

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What's playing
there now?

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The Antique Show.

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Boy, I'm telling you, and I was
lucky to get the tickets, too.

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Just fortunately,
there's a friend of mine

25
00:01:30,640 --> 00:01:31,670
that, uh, that's a scalper.

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You know, those-- oh, those
tickets are harder to get,

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they're scarcer
than hen's teeth.

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But, Ed, The
Antique Show?

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Since when did you become
so interested in antiques?

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Oh, I've been interested
in antiques quite a while.

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Sort of a hobby, you know?

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I came across it
accidentally.

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I was, uh... well, I'll
tell you how it happened.

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I was in the market
for a dog, see?

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So I was looking in the paper,
I'd seen this ad:

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"For sale, genuine
four-legged chippendale."

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So I sent away for it.

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And it came back a table.

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( laughing ):
That's how it happened.

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What do you say?
You wanna join us Sunday?

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00:02:03,080 --> 00:02:05,080
Well, thanks for
the invitation, Ed,

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but I don't have to go
to Madison Square Garden

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to look at antiques.

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Oh, I dig ya,
I dig ya, Alice.

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I know just what
you're talking about.

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Well, look, just don't take this
antique business too lightly,

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because if you've got some
genuine antiques here,

48
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they could be worth a fortune.

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00:02:20,900 --> 00:02:23,520
Say, as a matter of fact,
I tell you what I'll do.

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I'll just look around here,
examine a few of these pieces,

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free of charge,
and let you know.

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You may have something here
worth a lot of money.

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Well, go ahead, Ed,
if you want to,

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but I doubt you'll find
anything around here

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that's worth any money.

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Well, you...

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Oh... Oh!

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Wait a minute now.

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Let's take that icebox.

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That is a very
interesting piece.

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Look, Ed, while
you're looking around,
would you excuse me?

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I got some things
to do in the bedroom.

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Go right ahead.
I'll examine the icebox

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and I'll give you a
complete detailed report

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when I'm through.
All right.

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Yep.

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Uh, Alice, I'm not quite sure,

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but this could be
early Ma and Pa Kettle.

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Yes, sir.

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I...

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Say, this is very interesting.

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Yeah.

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I, uh...

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I'm looking underneath
the icebox now, Alice.

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( stomps feet )

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Mmm, now I'm looking
in back of the icebox.

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( stomping feet )

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I'm examining the legs
now, Alice.

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♪ Dum, de, dum, dum. ♪

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All I hope is, when they
do my life on Dragnet,

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they leave my name out
to protect the innocent.

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You put that turkey back

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or they'll be doing
your life on Medic.

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Alice, I'm home!

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ALICE:
Be right out, Ralph.

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Huh, look at this.

87
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What?

88
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Boy, this kills me.

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Bills, bills, bills.

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00:04:12,210 --> 00:04:14,850
Why doesn't anybody send me
a letter or something?

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00:04:14,880 --> 00:04:17,680
Ah, there's a relief.
Postcard.

92
00:04:17,720 --> 00:04:19,550
Wonder who it's from.

93
00:04:21,290 --> 00:04:23,090
Pretty sneaky,
the gas company,

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to send a bill on
the back of a postcard.

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Oh, boy, that ain't
the worst of it.

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Now everybody in
the building knows

97
00:04:29,660 --> 00:04:31,730
what you're paying
for your gas bill.

98
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What are you talking about?

99
00:04:33,540 --> 00:04:35,590
Mrs. Schwartz,
that blabbermouth,

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00:04:35,620 --> 00:04:36,950
she looks at all
the postcards,

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00:04:36,990 --> 00:04:39,320
and then yakety-yak-yaks
all over the building.

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You're kidding?
I'm not kidding.

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I know how much your
gas bill is. 93 cents.

104
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That's right.
See?

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Oh, by the way, Ralph,

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congratulations on
that 93-cent gas bill.

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00:04:51,150 --> 00:04:53,120
Mrs. Schwartz told me
that you broke

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00:04:53,160 --> 00:04:55,720
the all-time low
gas bill record,

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00:04:55,760 --> 00:04:58,190
set by the Keyer
brothers in 1931.

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Hiya, Ralph.

111
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Hiya, honey.

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Sit down, honey,

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and I'll have your dinner
on the table right away.

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All right.

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( plates clattering )

116
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Norton, don't you have to
go upstairs and have supper?

117
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I already ate.

118
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Well, aren't you gonna be
a little uncomfortable,

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sitting here watching
Alice and I eat?

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Oh, thank you, Ralph.

121
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If you put it that way,
I'll be glad to stay.

122
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All right, Alice,
I'll have a little order

123
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of spaghetti and meatballs,
light on the marinara,

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00:05:30,730 --> 00:05:33,190
heavy on the shoot one with
a feather and hold the mayo!

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00:05:33,230 --> 00:05:34,530
( chuckles )

126
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I thought you
already ate.

127
00:05:37,480 --> 00:05:38,830
Well, let's face it, Ralph.

128
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Dizzy Dean warms up
in the bullpen before the game,

129
00:05:42,170 --> 00:05:43,870
but he still pitches.

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ALICE:
There's plenty
of food, Ralph.

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00:05:46,940 --> 00:05:48,170
Hey.

132
00:05:48,210 --> 00:05:49,340
What?

133
00:05:49,380 --> 00:05:51,210
Here's a little letter.

134
00:05:51,250 --> 00:05:52,580
I've been waiting for this

135
00:05:52,610 --> 00:05:55,480
from the Bureau of Internal
Revenue, the Tax Department.

136
00:05:55,520 --> 00:05:56,480
Oh, yeah,
I noticed that

137
00:05:56,520 --> 00:05:57,850
when I was bringing
the mail up today.

138
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Oh, why didn't you
tell me it was here?

139
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I've been waiting for this.

140
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Do you know what this is?
My tax refund.

141
00:06:02,960 --> 00:06:04,920
Hey, hey, hey, how much
you getting back, Ralph?

142
00:06:04,960 --> 00:06:07,430
Well, the way
I figured it out, about $42.

143
00:06:07,460 --> 00:06:09,930
And it couldn't have
come at a better time.

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00:06:09,970 --> 00:06:11,570
I'm gonna blow
this whole thing

145
00:06:11,600 --> 00:06:13,270
on two glorious
weeks' vacation,

146
00:06:13,300 --> 00:06:15,070
fishing at
Fred's Landing.

147
00:06:15,100 --> 00:06:17,100
Isn't that gonna
be fun, hon?

148
00:06:17,140 --> 00:06:20,510
I hope we get that same tent
we had last year.

149
00:06:22,110 --> 00:06:23,880
That ought to be easy.

150
00:06:23,910 --> 00:06:26,380
Tell 'em we want the one
with the snake in it.

151
00:06:26,420 --> 00:06:29,220
Norton, I'm telling you,
you should've been with us.

152
00:06:29,250 --> 00:06:30,750
You would've died laughing.

153
00:06:30,790 --> 00:06:32,920
I thought I was gonna
kill myself laughing,

154
00:06:32,950 --> 00:06:35,090
watching her run away
from that snake. Oh-oh.

155
00:06:35,120 --> 00:06:37,820
How could you see me run?
You were way ahead of me.

156
00:06:39,900 --> 00:06:42,560
( guffawing )

157
00:06:44,880 --> 00:06:47,900
Shut up, Dizzy Dean,
and eat your spaghetti.

158
00:06:53,240 --> 00:06:55,210
There's a letter here
but no check.

159
00:06:55,240 --> 00:06:57,240
Well, what did the
letter say, Ralph?

160
00:07:00,420 --> 00:07:01,650
"Dear Mr. Kramden,

161
00:07:01,680 --> 00:07:04,980
"please report to
Mr. Richard Putter of our office

162
00:07:05,020 --> 00:07:07,990
"at 10:00 in the morning
of the 21st."

163
00:07:08,020 --> 00:07:11,020
Huh. Wonder what he
wants to see you about.

164
00:07:12,360 --> 00:07:14,330
I don't know.
I never got one of these.

165
00:07:14,360 --> 00:07:16,400
Well, it's nothing to
get upset about, Ralph.

166
00:07:16,430 --> 00:07:18,530
Tomorrow's the 21st.
You'll find out then.

167
00:07:21,700 --> 00:07:22,470
Guess you're right.

168
00:07:22,500 --> 00:07:23,940
There's nothing
to worry about.

169
00:07:23,970 --> 00:07:25,640
No, honey. Come on,
eat your supper.

170
00:07:29,710 --> 00:07:31,810
Couldn't be anything
important.

171
00:07:31,850 --> 00:07:33,350
Mm, sure
it isn't.

172
00:07:37,550 --> 00:07:39,200
What could they want with me?!

173
00:07:44,640 --> 00:07:48,580
Ralph, you're building this
whole thing up in your mind.

174
00:07:48,610 --> 00:07:50,430
It's probably
nothing.

175
00:07:50,470 --> 00:07:51,870
Probably nothing?

176
00:07:51,900 --> 00:07:53,500
Probably nothing?!

177
00:07:53,540 --> 00:07:54,970
Look, Alice,
if it was nothing,

178
00:07:55,000 --> 00:07:57,300
they would've sent me a letter
saying, "Dear Mr. Kramden,

179
00:07:57,340 --> 00:07:59,210
don't come down tomorrow."

180
00:07:59,240 --> 00:08:01,440
What do you mean, nothing?

181
00:08:01,480 --> 00:08:02,810
This isn't the Girl Scouts,
you know.

182
00:08:02,850 --> 00:08:05,810
They don't want me down there
to buy cookies.

183
00:08:05,850 --> 00:08:07,610
This is the United States
Government,

184
00:08:07,650 --> 00:08:09,350
the Treasury Department.

185
00:08:09,380 --> 00:08:11,450
They don't want me
down there to shake hands

186
00:08:11,490 --> 00:08:13,320
with the Secretary
of the Treasury.

187
00:08:13,360 --> 00:08:14,790
You got any ketchup,
Ralph?

188
00:08:14,820 --> 00:08:15,990
Huh? Uh...

189
00:08:19,830 --> 00:08:22,330
What could I have done
that's wrong?

190
00:08:22,360 --> 00:08:24,900
Listen, Ralph,
I don't like
to say this,

191
00:08:24,930 --> 00:08:27,900
but if you did
anything wrong,
it's your own fault.

192
00:08:27,940 --> 00:08:29,240
What do you mean,
it's my fault?

193
00:08:29,270 --> 00:08:31,340
How can it be my fault
if I did something wrong?

194
00:08:31,370 --> 00:08:33,910
You shouldn't
have made out
your own tax, Ralph.

195
00:08:33,940 --> 00:08:35,710
I told you to go down
to the barber shop

196
00:08:35,740 --> 00:08:37,510
and get somebody to
do it who knows how.

197
00:08:37,550 --> 00:08:40,010
Are you gonna start with
the "I told you so's," Alice?

198
00:08:40,050 --> 00:08:41,680
Hey, you got
any piccalilli
or chow-chow

199
00:08:41,720 --> 00:08:42,880
or something
like that?

200
00:08:45,450 --> 00:08:47,750
Is that what you're gonna start
with, the "I told you so's"?

201
00:08:47,790 --> 00:08:49,520
Don't give me any
"I told you so's" now,

202
00:08:49,560 --> 00:08:51,040
'cause they're not
gonna help me.

203
00:08:51,080 --> 00:08:52,810
Listen, Ralph, probably
the only thing you did

204
00:08:52,840 --> 00:08:54,540
was deduct something
that you shouldn't have.

205
00:08:54,580 --> 00:08:56,580
So now you have to pay
tax on that deduction.

206
00:08:56,620 --> 00:08:58,780
They're just gonna
take the money out
of your refund.

207
00:08:58,820 --> 00:09:00,270
Oh, is that all
they're gonna do?

208
00:09:00,300 --> 00:09:02,130
They're just gonna take it
out of my refund?

209
00:09:02,170 --> 00:09:04,000
It so happens, Alice,
that I was planning

210
00:09:04,040 --> 00:09:06,010
on that refund
in its entirety.

211
00:09:06,040 --> 00:09:09,140
I need all of the refund,
all $42.

212
00:09:09,180 --> 00:09:11,850
I can't afford to let
any of the $42 go.

213
00:09:11,880 --> 00:09:14,610
I got to go down to
Fred's landing. I need $42.

214
00:09:14,650 --> 00:09:16,850
What am I gonna do if
I haven't got enough money?

215
00:09:16,890 --> 00:09:19,020
We'll just have
to cut down, Ralph.

216
00:09:19,050 --> 00:09:22,490
Tell Fred to give us
a cheaper tent with
a smaller snake.

217
00:09:23,490 --> 00:09:25,030
Oh...

218
00:09:25,060 --> 00:09:26,560
Got any bread,
Ralph?

219
00:09:26,590 --> 00:09:27,560
Yes.

220
00:09:27,600 --> 00:09:30,260
Will you stop
with the bread?!

221
00:09:30,300 --> 00:09:32,130
What did I do?!
What, what?!

222
00:09:32,170 --> 00:09:33,230
What's the matter
with you?

223
00:09:33,270 --> 00:09:35,000
Can't you realize
I'm in serious trouble?

224
00:09:35,040 --> 00:09:36,800
The government is
investigating me.

225
00:09:36,840 --> 00:09:37,700
So, they're
investigating.

226
00:09:37,740 --> 00:09:39,010
What are you
getting excited about?

227
00:09:39,040 --> 00:09:40,610
Be calm, will you?
Be calm.

228
00:09:40,640 --> 00:09:42,280
He's right,
Ralph.

229
00:09:42,310 --> 00:09:43,410
Don't fly
off the handle.

230
00:09:43,450 --> 00:09:45,280
That's not getting
you anyplace.

231
00:09:45,310 --> 00:09:46,280
Maybe you're right.

232
00:09:46,320 --> 00:09:48,210
Take first things first.

233
00:09:48,250 --> 00:09:49,750
Right, thank you.

234
00:09:51,550 --> 00:09:52,850
Now, the first thing was,

235
00:09:52,890 --> 00:09:54,490
you was getting me
some bread. Where is it?

236
00:09:54,520 --> 00:09:55,490
Now!

237
00:09:55,520 --> 00:09:56,760
All right, Alice.

238
00:09:56,790 --> 00:09:58,660
Get in the bedroom, Alice!

239
00:09:58,690 --> 00:10:00,860
Get in the bedroom,
'cause I'm gonna kill him.

240
00:10:00,900 --> 00:10:02,610
Ralph.
When I finish
with you,

241
00:10:02,650 --> 00:10:04,810
there'll be piccalilli
all over Bensonhurst.

242
00:10:04,850 --> 00:10:05,880
Ralph!

243
00:10:05,920 --> 00:10:06,900
Don't "Ralph" me!

244
00:10:06,940 --> 00:10:08,030
What, are you
sticking up for him?

245
00:10:08,070 --> 00:10:10,370
Don't you realize
how serious this is?

246
00:10:10,410 --> 00:10:11,810
They're investigating me.

247
00:10:11,840 --> 00:10:14,860
Ralph, being
investigated is not
the end of the world.

248
00:10:14,890 --> 00:10:17,780
You are not the
first person who
was ever investigated.

249
00:10:17,810 --> 00:10:20,280
You're darn right,
the jails are full of them.

250
00:10:20,320 --> 00:10:21,480
All right.

251
00:10:23,480 --> 00:10:25,420
Norton, I'm gonna
count to five.

252
00:10:25,450 --> 00:10:28,650
And when I get to five,
you'd better be out that door.

253
00:10:28,690 --> 00:10:30,260
Now I'm gonna count.

254
00:10:30,290 --> 00:10:32,860
I'm not scared of you.

255
00:10:32,890 --> 00:10:34,490
If you could count,

256
00:10:34,530 --> 00:10:36,410
they wouldn't be
investigating your taxes.

257
00:10:36,450 --> 00:10:37,610
Get out!

258
00:10:51,180 --> 00:10:53,850
Eight and five are thirteen...

259
00:10:53,880 --> 00:10:56,250
Thirteen and six
are nineteen.

260
00:10:56,280 --> 00:10:58,890
Nineteen and two are twenty-one.

261
00:10:58,920 --> 00:11:01,250
Twenty-one and five
are twenty-six.

262
00:11:01,290 --> 00:11:02,560
Twenty-three
and twenty-nine...

263
00:11:02,590 --> 00:11:04,490
Ralph, will you
come to bed?        Shh!

264
00:11:04,530 --> 00:11:06,990
Twenty-nine
and four is 33.

265
00:11:07,030 --> 00:11:08,390
It is 2:00.

266
00:11:08,430 --> 00:11:11,000
Thirty-three
and 2:00 is a qua...

267
00:11:12,000 --> 00:11:13,530
Alice, what are you
trying to do to me?

268
00:11:13,570 --> 00:11:14,830
What are you
trying to do to me?

269
00:11:14,870 --> 00:11:16,170
Do you want to
see me go to jail?

270
00:11:16,210 --> 00:11:18,340
Ralph, you're letting this thing
get the best of you.

271
00:11:18,370 --> 00:11:19,570
Now, will you stop worrying?

272
00:11:19,610 --> 00:11:22,310
Whatever it is you did wrong,
Ralph, you'll find out tomorrow.

273
00:11:22,340 --> 00:11:23,440
And losing a night's sleep

274
00:11:23,480 --> 00:11:25,030
is not gonna to help
the matter any.

275
00:11:25,060 --> 00:11:27,030
Oh, I suppose getting
a night's sleep

276
00:11:27,070 --> 00:11:28,900
is gonna fix
everything up fine.

277
00:11:28,930 --> 00:11:31,170
Sure, I'll go down there
tomorrow and they'll say,

278
00:11:31,200 --> 00:11:33,370
"Mr. Kramden, did you
get a good night's sleep?"

279
00:11:33,410 --> 00:11:34,370
And I'll say "Sure."

280
00:11:34,410 --> 00:11:35,670
They'll say,
"Well, that's fine,

281
00:11:35,710 --> 00:11:38,270
let's call off
the investigation."

282
00:11:38,310 --> 00:11:40,310
They're not
interested in sleep.

283
00:11:40,350 --> 00:11:42,050
Their job is taxes.

284
00:11:42,080 --> 00:11:44,350
They're not gonna send me
to jail for insomnia.

285
00:11:44,380 --> 00:11:47,030
They're not gonna send you
to jail, Ralph.

286
00:11:47,070 --> 00:11:50,870
Oh, listen to
Chief Justice
Alice Kramden.

287
00:11:50,910 --> 00:11:53,370
Boy, you know a lot
about a lot of things
tonight, don't you?

288
00:11:53,410 --> 00:11:56,710
You know about taxes,
you know about sleep,
you know about jail.

289
00:11:56,750 --> 00:11:59,210
You ought to go on
The $64,000 Question.

290
00:11:59,250 --> 00:12:02,050
That's what you ought to go
on, The $64,000 Question.

291
00:12:02,080 --> 00:12:04,850
You know what your
category is? Everything!

292
00:12:06,000 --> 00:12:09,870
Ralph, I'm gonna make you
a glass of nice, warm milk now.

293
00:12:09,910 --> 00:12:11,910
Maybe it'll make you drowsy
and help you relax

294
00:12:11,940 --> 00:12:13,540
and then you'll be able
to go to sleep.

295
00:12:13,580 --> 00:12:16,050
You haven't even read
the evening paper yet, Ralph.

296
00:12:16,080 --> 00:12:18,880
Here, now you just sit down
and look at the paper,

297
00:12:18,920 --> 00:12:22,220
and just try and forget about
this investigation for a while.

298
00:12:22,250 --> 00:12:24,050
All right, sweetheart.

299
00:12:24,090 --> 00:12:25,090
That's fine.

300
00:12:25,790 --> 00:12:28,430
Just have to relax, that's all.

301
00:12:28,460 --> 00:12:29,460
Right.

302
00:12:34,470 --> 00:12:36,100
Here's an item.

303
00:12:36,140 --> 00:12:39,540
Says that they're building
a new highway in Tibet.

304
00:12:39,570 --> 00:12:40,740
Oh, really?

305
00:12:43,480 --> 00:12:46,780
It's going all the way
from Tibet to Mongolia.

306
00:12:46,810 --> 00:12:49,080
Says it'll cut five hours
out of the trip

307
00:12:49,110 --> 00:12:50,950
for everybody
that's going there.

308
00:12:50,980 --> 00:12:52,280
Oh.

309
00:12:52,320 --> 00:12:53,680
That's
wonderf...

310
00:12:53,720 --> 00:12:55,850
What do they want me
down there for?!

311
00:12:55,890 --> 00:12:57,790
Ralph, will you get
ahold of yourself?

312
00:12:57,820 --> 00:12:58,460
Don't...

313
00:12:58,490 --> 00:13:00,190
Hey, what's going on
down here?

314
00:13:00,230 --> 00:13:02,590
You're yelling
and everything,
you woke me up.

315
00:13:02,630 --> 00:13:04,260
Boy, what a...
Oh...

316
00:13:04,300 --> 00:13:07,150
Ralph's still very upset
about this tax business.

317
00:13:07,180 --> 00:13:09,280
Boy, I-I tell ya,
I'm surprised
at you, Ralph,

318
00:13:09,320 --> 00:13:10,280
carrying on
the way you...

319
00:13:10,320 --> 00:13:12,050
So what if they're
investigating your taxes?

320
00:13:12,090 --> 00:13:13,290
What can they do to you?

321
00:13:13,320 --> 00:13:15,790
Can they put you up
in front of a firing squad?

322
00:13:15,820 --> 00:13:17,290
No, they can't.

323
00:13:17,330 --> 00:13:19,230
Can they push you
over a cliff?

324
00:13:19,260 --> 00:13:20,130
No, they can't.

325
00:13:20,160 --> 00:13:22,300
Can they string you up
on the end of a rope?

326
00:13:22,330 --> 00:13:23,630
No, I guess they can't.

327
00:13:23,670 --> 00:13:25,570
All right, then.
Nothing can happen to you.

328
00:13:25,600 --> 00:13:27,000
What possibly can
happen to you?

329
00:13:27,040 --> 00:13:28,170
What are you
worried for?

330
00:13:28,200 --> 00:13:29,170
He's right, Ralph.

331
00:13:29,200 --> 00:13:31,570
Now come on,
let's go to bed.

332
00:13:33,240 --> 00:13:34,370
Thanks, pal.

333
00:13:34,410 --> 00:13:35,610
All right, now,
just go in there

334
00:13:35,640 --> 00:13:36,840
and get
a good night's sleep.

335
00:13:36,880 --> 00:13:37,540
All right.

336
00:13:40,530 --> 00:13:43,200
The worst thing they could
possibly do to you

337
00:13:43,230 --> 00:13:45,230
is send you to the federal pen.

338
00:13:45,270 --> 00:13:48,070
What are you starting
with that stuff for?!

339
00:13:50,330 --> 00:13:51,790
Now, look, will
you go upstairs?

340
00:13:51,830 --> 00:13:54,730
I gotta sit down and
figure out what kind
of a mistake I made.

341
00:13:54,760 --> 00:13:56,560
I gotta have some answers
for them tomorrow

342
00:13:56,600 --> 00:13:57,760
when I go down there.

343
00:13:58,970 --> 00:14:00,500
Highways with Tibet!

344
00:14:02,070 --> 00:14:03,900
Look, uh...

345
00:14:03,940 --> 00:14:06,310
maybe I can give you
a little hand in this?

346
00:14:06,340 --> 00:14:09,110
I majored in arithmetic
in vocational school.

347
00:14:11,110 --> 00:14:13,410
All right, see what you
can make of this thing.

348
00:14:13,450 --> 00:14:14,410
I'll take any
kind of help.

349
00:14:14,450 --> 00:14:15,780
Let me see the form here.

350
00:14:20,270 --> 00:14:23,140
Uh, what is this
amount here? One...

351
00:14:23,180 --> 00:14:26,410
"1053622"?

352
00:14:26,440 --> 00:14:28,010
What amount?

353
00:14:28,050 --> 00:14:30,180
"10..." That's no amount.

354
00:14:30,220 --> 00:14:32,720
That's my social
security number.

355
00:14:32,750 --> 00:14:35,090
I thought maybe
it was your weight.

356
00:14:40,590 --> 00:14:44,060
Now, would you tell me
why I'd put my weight down

357
00:14:44,100 --> 00:14:46,060
on an income tax report?

358
00:14:46,100 --> 00:14:47,700
How should I know?

359
00:14:47,730 --> 00:14:50,400
You're the one there
being investigated.

360
00:14:52,000 --> 00:14:53,600
Wait a minute.

361
00:14:53,640 --> 00:14:54,700
( coughs )

362
00:14:54,740 --> 00:14:55,940
Look.

363
00:14:55,970 --> 00:14:58,880
Maybe I made a mistake on one
of these business deductions.

364
00:14:58,910 --> 00:15:00,580
Now, you listen
and if you think

365
00:15:00,610 --> 00:15:03,450
that I'm entitled to what
I deducted, you let me know.

366
00:15:03,480 --> 00:15:05,380
Go ahead.
If not, let me
know that, too.

367
00:15:05,420 --> 00:15:08,080
Now, I took off the cost of
my cleaning the uniform...

368
00:15:08,120 --> 00:15:09,190
Right.

369
00:15:09,220 --> 00:15:12,120
...my union dues,
my driver's license.

370
00:15:12,160 --> 00:15:15,130
Now, I took off $80 I spent
entertaining Freddy Muller,

371
00:15:15,160 --> 00:15:17,460
you know, every time there was
an opening for traffic manager.

372
00:15:17,500 --> 00:15:18,630
Yeah. Yeah.

373
00:15:18,660 --> 00:15:20,460
That's all,
they're all legitimate.

374
00:15:20,500 --> 00:15:23,120
I take off the same kind of
things on my income tax,

375
00:15:23,150 --> 00:15:25,950
I take off
my union dues, deductible,

376
00:15:25,990 --> 00:15:28,690
I take off when I have
my rubber boots vulcanized,

377
00:15:28,720 --> 00:15:32,490
I take off when I have
my lunchbox water-proofed,

378
00:15:32,530 --> 00:15:35,860
and I take off 25%
of my rent

379
00:15:35,900 --> 00:15:38,400
when I use my apartment
for business reasons.

380
00:15:46,040 --> 00:15:47,910
Business reasons?

381
00:15:47,940 --> 00:15:50,280
You work in a sewer.

382
00:15:50,310 --> 00:15:53,280
What possible business
could you conduct

383
00:15:53,320 --> 00:15:56,580
could you possibly write
off in your apartment?

384
00:15:56,620 --> 00:15:58,940
I practice in the bathtub.

385
00:16:01,920 --> 00:16:03,390
You practice
in the bathtub,

386
00:16:03,420 --> 00:16:05,830
and they're
investigating
my taxes.

387
00:16:05,860 --> 00:16:08,160
Look, they're probably
not interested

388
00:16:08,200 --> 00:16:10,130
or... don't believe
your deductions.

389
00:16:10,160 --> 00:16:11,130
What they're looking for

390
00:16:11,170 --> 00:16:14,070
is-is items that you didn't
put down on the form.

391
00:16:14,100 --> 00:16:16,240
Mainly, unreported income.

392
00:16:16,270 --> 00:16:17,640
What do you mean,
unreported income?

393
00:16:17,670 --> 00:16:18,970
I only work for
the bus company.

394
00:16:19,010 --> 00:16:20,410
I don't have
any other jobs.

395
00:16:20,440 --> 00:16:22,740
Well, little other things
that you forget to put down.

396
00:16:22,780 --> 00:16:26,150
You know, like...
you got a tax book here?

397
00:16:26,180 --> 00:16:27,210
Yeah, this thing.

398
00:16:27,250 --> 00:16:28,680
Wait a minute.
Let me look.

399
00:16:30,690 --> 00:16:33,850
( mumbling )

400
00:16:34,460 --> 00:16:36,490
( mumbling )

401
00:16:36,530 --> 00:16:39,290
Come on with
that thing!

402
00:16:39,330 --> 00:16:41,330
( imitates mumbling )

403
00:16:42,330 --> 00:16:44,600
Here we are, here.

404
00:16:44,630 --> 00:16:46,970
"Examples of income
that must be reported:"

405
00:16:47,000 --> 00:16:50,300
Uh, "salaries."
Well, we know that's okay.

406
00:16:50,340 --> 00:16:52,610
Uh, did you have any income

407
00:16:52,640 --> 00:16:56,430
from annuities, rents,
mortgages or chattles?

408
00:16:59,450 --> 00:17:00,610
Chattles?

409
00:17:00,650 --> 00:17:02,720
What's a chattle?

410
00:17:02,750 --> 00:17:04,400
I don't know,
I guess it means,

411
00:17:04,440 --> 00:17:06,600
"Did you make any money
selling livestock?"

412
00:17:09,860 --> 00:17:13,560
How can you think that I made
any money selling livestock?

413
00:17:13,600 --> 00:17:15,260
All right, all right,
so far, so good.

414
00:17:15,300 --> 00:17:16,260
( groans )

415
00:17:16,300 --> 00:17:17,360
Here's the next item.

416
00:17:17,400 --> 00:17:21,830
"Income from interest on loans,
bonds or bank accounts."

417
00:17:21,870 --> 00:17:24,840
You have to pay a tax on
interest of bank accounts?

418
00:17:24,870 --> 00:17:26,010
Oh, sure, of course.

419
00:17:26,040 --> 00:17:27,840
You got to pay a tax
on everything. It's income.

420
00:17:27,880 --> 00:17:29,880
Get your bank book.

421
00:17:35,780 --> 00:17:37,080
75 dollars.

422
00:17:37,120 --> 00:17:41,390
Income on interest,
bank account, $75.

423
00:17:41,420 --> 00:17:44,190
That's not the interest,
that's the bank account!

424
00:17:47,190 --> 00:17:50,300
Interest comes
to about $2.25.

425
00:17:50,330 --> 00:17:51,750
$2.25.

426
00:17:51,780 --> 00:17:56,350
Now, "income from tips,
gratuities or bonuses."

427
00:17:56,390 --> 00:17:58,820
We didn't get any
bonus this year.

428
00:17:58,860 --> 00:18:01,620
The boss gave us all
a skinny chicken.

429
00:18:04,330 --> 00:18:07,300
Well, you, uh, got any idea what
the skinny chicken was worth?

430
00:18:07,330 --> 00:18:10,470
About... $2.00, I guess.

431
00:18:10,500 --> 00:18:12,670
"One skinny chicken."

432
00:18:15,340 --> 00:18:17,140
"$2.00."

433
00:18:17,180 --> 00:18:22,480
Now, then, next is item,
"income from gambling winnings."

434
00:18:22,510 --> 00:18:26,480
You mean to tell me they
tax gambling winnings?

435
00:18:26,520 --> 00:18:29,950
Sure, it's income,
ain't it?

436
00:18:29,990 --> 00:18:32,320
Let's see,
I won about $25

437
00:18:32,360 --> 00:18:34,160
throughout the
year playing pool.

438
00:18:34,190 --> 00:18:36,060
"$25, shooting pool."

439
00:18:38,030 --> 00:18:41,500
Then I got that first prize
over at Salvatore's Pizzeria.

440
00:18:41,530 --> 00:18:42,500
Yeah.

441
00:18:42,530 --> 00:18:44,030
High score on a
pinball machine.

442
00:18:44,070 --> 00:18:46,300
They gave me that horse with
the stomach in its clock.

443
00:18:46,340 --> 00:18:48,000
I mean, the clock
in its stomach.

444
00:18:48,040 --> 00:18:48,870
Let's see...

445
00:18:48,910 --> 00:18:50,870
That was worth
about $15.

446
00:18:50,910 --> 00:18:55,240
"A horse with
clock in stomach."

447
00:18:55,280 --> 00:18:56,850
"15.00."

448
00:18:56,880 --> 00:18:58,350
Well, you see, now,
these are the items

449
00:18:58,380 --> 00:18:59,750
that they're
checking up on you.

450
00:18:59,780 --> 00:19:00,980
There's no doubt
about that.

451
00:19:01,020 --> 00:19:05,150
Then there was that,
uh, the $5 I won at
the Racoon picnic,

452
00:19:05,190 --> 00:19:06,490
winning the
three-legged race.

453
00:19:06,520 --> 00:19:08,160
"Three-legged race, $5."

454
00:19:11,000 --> 00:19:12,300
Hey, wait a minute.

455
00:19:12,330 --> 00:19:13,630
What?

456
00:19:13,660 --> 00:19:15,470
Remember about
six months ago,

457
00:19:15,500 --> 00:19:17,070
we had the all-night
poker game?

458
00:19:17,100 --> 00:19:18,900
Yeah.
I won $85.

459
00:19:18,940 --> 00:19:20,070
$85?!

460
00:19:20,110 --> 00:19:21,800
You think they could have
found out about that?

461
00:19:21,840 --> 00:19:23,140
Boy, that's a large
amount of money.

462
00:19:23,170 --> 00:19:24,320
Now, that's
the kind of an item

463
00:19:24,360 --> 00:19:26,430
they're really
investigating you for.

464
00:19:26,460 --> 00:19:28,160
"$85.00."

465
00:19:28,200 --> 00:19:29,930
What can they do for me--

466
00:19:29,960 --> 00:19:31,330
you know, what
can they do to me

467
00:19:31,370 --> 00:19:34,000
if I don't put this stuff
down in my income tax?

468
00:19:34,040 --> 00:19:37,000
I don't know, maybe it's, maybe
it's in the book here someplace.

469
00:19:37,040 --> 00:19:38,370
Let me see the book.

470
00:19:40,160 --> 00:19:41,360
Here it is.

471
00:19:41,390 --> 00:19:42,560
What?

472
00:19:42,590 --> 00:19:45,760
"Penalty for failing
to report income.

473
00:19:45,800 --> 00:19:48,730
"All persons are required
under this title

474
00:19:48,770 --> 00:19:51,230
"to pay an estimated
tax or tax.

475
00:19:51,270 --> 00:19:53,470
"All are required
by this title

476
00:19:53,500 --> 00:19:54,870
"or by regulations

477
00:19:54,910 --> 00:19:58,240
"made under authority
thereof to make a return

478
00:19:58,280 --> 00:20:00,980
"other than a return,
required under authority

479
00:20:01,010 --> 00:20:05,680
"of Section 6015
or Section 6016,

480
00:20:05,720 --> 00:20:08,420
"keep any records or
supply any information

481
00:20:08,450 --> 00:20:12,090
"and who willfully
fails to pay such
estimated tax or tax,

482
00:20:12,120 --> 00:20:14,560
"make such return,
keep such records

483
00:20:14,590 --> 00:20:17,030
"or supply such
information. "

484
00:20:17,060 --> 00:20:20,660
Boy, Ralph, it sounds
like you are in trouble.

485
00:20:20,700 --> 00:20:25,480
Trouble? I don't even know
what I'm talking about!

486
00:20:25,520 --> 00:20:27,270
What am I gonna
do, Norton?

487
00:20:27,310 --> 00:20:28,640
Hey, wait a minute!

488
00:20:28,670 --> 00:20:31,470
When you get down there
tomorrow, I got the idea.

489
00:20:31,510 --> 00:20:33,340
Stand on the 18th Amendment.

490
00:20:38,130 --> 00:20:40,570
Are you nuts
or something?

491
00:20:40,600 --> 00:20:42,570
Stand on the
18th Amendment?

492
00:20:42,600 --> 00:20:44,540
You mean stand on
the Fifth Amendment.

493
00:20:44,570 --> 00:20:47,110
The 18th Amendment
was for prohibition.

494
00:20:47,140 --> 00:20:48,790
Well, that's just what I mean.

495
00:20:48,830 --> 00:20:52,650
Tell them you were drunk
when you made out your taxes.

496
00:20:52,680 --> 00:20:56,130
You know what this means,
don't you, Norton?

497
00:20:56,170 --> 00:20:57,630
Oh, yeah.
You know what it means.

498
00:20:57,670 --> 00:20:58,670
Sure!

499
00:20:59,900 --> 00:21:02,840
I was drunk when I made out
my income taxes.

500
00:21:22,410 --> 00:21:23,710
There's nobody here.

501
00:21:23,750 --> 00:21:25,540
Do you think maybe
they forgot about it?

502
00:21:25,580 --> 00:21:27,880
They don't forget
about nothing.

503
00:21:27,920 --> 00:21:31,120
Just, let's sit down,
try to relax.

504
00:21:31,150 --> 00:21:32,950
Be calm, don't
be nervous.

505
00:21:32,990 --> 00:21:35,290
I want you to know,

506
00:21:35,320 --> 00:21:37,640
I appreciate
you coming down with me.

507
00:21:37,680 --> 00:21:40,310
Do you think for one
minute that I'd let you

508
00:21:40,350 --> 00:21:42,980
come down here by yourself
in the state that you're in?

509
00:21:43,010 --> 00:21:44,710
Just try to relax,
be-be calm.

510
00:21:44,750 --> 00:21:45,730
Don't be nervous.

511
00:21:45,770 --> 00:21:48,200
I've been thinking it over.

512
00:21:48,240 --> 00:21:49,700
What am I worried about?

513
00:21:49,740 --> 00:21:50,970
What have I got to worry about?

514
00:21:51,010 --> 00:21:52,640
I'm an American citizen.
Yep.

515
00:21:52,670 --> 00:21:54,870
Got my rights,
I'm a taxpayer.

516
00:21:57,760 --> 00:21:59,260
If you were a taxpayer,

517
00:21:59,300 --> 00:22:01,130
you wouldn't be
down here right now.

518
00:22:04,790 --> 00:22:06,350
Well, I'm telling you this,

519
00:22:06,390 --> 00:22:08,690
if they get anything
out of me,

520
00:22:08,720 --> 00:22:11,860
it's not gonna be out
of me that they get it.

521
00:22:11,890 --> 00:22:14,360
Let him find out.

522
00:22:14,400 --> 00:22:16,200
I'm not telling him anything.

523
00:22:16,230 --> 00:22:18,530
He wants to find out anything,
let him find it out.

524
00:22:18,570 --> 00:22:20,570
I'll be no help to him.

525
00:22:20,600 --> 00:22:23,800
Just keep calm and cool.

526
00:22:23,840 --> 00:22:26,240
Calm and cool.

527
00:22:29,240 --> 00:22:30,280
Mr. Kramden.

528
00:22:30,310 --> 00:22:31,440
Hey, there!

529
00:22:32,980 --> 00:22:34,960
Which one of you men
is Mr. Kramden?

530
00:22:35,000 --> 00:22:36,780
( stammering )

531
00:22:36,820 --> 00:22:39,450
Uh, he's Kramden.
I'm clean.

532
00:22:39,490 --> 00:22:40,590
Norton...

533
00:22:41,720 --> 00:22:43,890
Just step over here,
Mr. Kramden.

534
00:22:43,930 --> 00:22:45,420
( stammers )

535
00:22:45,460 --> 00:22:48,330
Uh, here we are.
Ralph Kramden.

536
00:22:48,360 --> 00:22:50,560
( stammering )
Now, Mr. Kramden?

537
00:22:50,600 --> 00:22:52,030
( stammering )

538
00:22:52,070 --> 00:22:53,370
What did you say?

539
00:22:53,400 --> 00:22:58,300
No, that's just his way
of remaining calm and cool.

540
00:22:58,340 --> 00:23:01,870
No, it's, uh...
I didn't do it.

541
00:23:01,910 --> 00:23:03,040
I didn't do it!

542
00:23:03,080 --> 00:23:05,340
I know you didn't.
I know you didn't do it.

543
00:23:05,380 --> 00:23:07,050
That's why we called
you down here.

544
00:23:07,080 --> 00:23:08,410
Huh?

545
00:23:08,450 --> 00:23:09,920
Your signature,
Mr. Kramden.

546
00:23:09,950 --> 00:23:13,290
You didn't sign
your tax form.

547
00:23:13,320 --> 00:23:16,060
Now, all you have to do
is sign it right here,

548
00:23:16,090 --> 00:23:17,290
and then you can go.

549
00:23:17,320 --> 00:23:20,610
You mean, all I have to do
is sign this and...

550
00:23:20,650 --> 00:23:23,450
I can go out and go home
and there's nothing else?

551
00:23:23,480 --> 00:23:24,950
That's all,
Mr. Kramden.

552
00:23:24,980 --> 00:23:26,870
Oh, baby.

553
00:23:31,040 --> 00:23:32,000
There you are.

554
00:23:32,040 --> 00:23:33,210
Thank you very much,
Mr. Kramden.

555
00:23:33,240 --> 00:23:35,140
Thank you. Good-bye.

556
00:23:35,180 --> 00:23:36,140
Good-bye.
Good-bye.

557
00:23:36,180 --> 00:23:37,180
Come on, Ralph.

558
00:23:38,710 --> 00:23:39,350
Bye!

559
00:23:39,380 --> 00:23:40,360
( laughs )

560
00:23:51,510 --> 00:23:53,660
I gotta tell you something,
Mr. Putter.

561
00:23:55,710 --> 00:23:58,510
I didn't put everything
down on my income tax.

562
00:23:58,550 --> 00:23:59,950
Not because I didn't want
to put it down,

563
00:23:59,980 --> 00:24:02,350
I just didn't know that
I was supposed to put it down.

564
00:24:02,390 --> 00:24:05,020
On account, I didn't ever
have any of those things,

565
00:24:05,060 --> 00:24:07,690
that he told me about,
that I have to put down.

566
00:24:07,730 --> 00:24:09,390
I wouldn't cheat
the government.

567
00:24:09,430 --> 00:24:10,540
Cheat the government?

568
00:24:10,580 --> 00:24:12,710
Well, I... certainly not,
I wouldn't cheat 'em.

569
00:24:12,750 --> 00:24:15,380
But I just didn't know
about these deductions.

570
00:24:15,420 --> 00:24:16,620
You know, for instance,

571
00:24:16,650 --> 00:24:19,050
there was the horse
with the clock in its stomach.

572
00:24:19,090 --> 00:24:21,050
There was the skinny chicken.

573
00:24:21,090 --> 00:24:24,760
And there was the three-legged
race at the Racoon picnic.

574
00:24:24,790 --> 00:24:26,590
I didn't put any of that down.

575
00:24:26,630 --> 00:24:27,990
But I want to put it down now

576
00:24:28,030 --> 00:24:29,830
and I want to pay tax
on all of it:

577
00:24:29,860 --> 00:24:31,400
the horse and the picnic
and everything.

578
00:24:31,430 --> 00:24:32,870
Well, that's very
honest of you, Mr. Kramden.

579
00:24:32,900 --> 00:24:34,050
Thank you.

580
00:24:34,090 --> 00:24:37,720
Uh, sir? I'd like to make
a confession at this time.

581
00:24:37,760 --> 00:24:41,560
Uh, a few little items
that I didn't put down
on my income tax form.

582
00:24:41,590 --> 00:24:43,230
During the past fiscal year,

583
00:24:43,260 --> 00:24:46,230
I found three dollars
that was floating
by me in the sewer.

584
00:24:49,250 --> 00:24:51,720
I want to thank
both of you gentlemen.

585
00:24:51,750 --> 00:24:55,050
Now, you can list
your additional income
on this form here.

586
00:24:55,090 --> 00:24:57,390
Mail it in to me and I'll see
that it goes on your record.

587
00:24:57,430 --> 00:24:58,830
Thank you very much.
And I want to thank

588
00:24:58,860 --> 00:25:00,430
both of you gentlemen
for your honesty.

589
00:25:00,460 --> 00:25:01,830
Thank you.

590
00:25:01,860 --> 00:25:03,200
Thank you, sir.

591
00:25:09,450 --> 00:25:10,990
Just like you to understand,

592
00:25:11,020 --> 00:25:11,990
( clears throat )

593
00:25:12,020 --> 00:25:14,720
that Ralph Kramden will
never be accused of

594
00:25:14,760 --> 00:25:17,760
not putting a horse down
with a clock in its stomach.

595
00:25:28,340 --> 00:25:32,340
Captioned by
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